Interview with Catherine Fowler, director of The Dating Project
When Love Is Moving heard about this American documentary, we thought we should find out more about it for our readers. This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.
Conor Sweetman:
Hello, Catherine, tell us a bit about your film and what led you to want to make it.
Catherine Fowler:
I was at a party with about a dozen young women who were beautiful inside and out; they had impressive professional careers and had no reason not to be in a relationship. In this moment, I saw what I now call a “dating deficit,” where there’s a lack of committed dating for no apparent reason. As a filmmaker in Los Angeles, I thought, “What better way to explore the courtship and dating culture than through a documentary?”
Conor:
Who is this movie for?
Catherine:
It is for anyone living the single life who is interested in today’s dating culture and what it means for them. It’s even been a helpful tool for parents to walk through with their teens and learn about the issues that young people are facing and what exactly hook-up culture is.
Conor:
What have you discovered through making this documentary?
Catherine:
People aren’t really growing out of the relational contexts or phases that parents expect their kids to grow out of—instead, they are establishing habits that eventually becomes a cycle and lifestyle. We’ve constantly encountered people who are in the thick of the dating culture and want an alternative option to the hook-up norms that are presented to them.
Conor:
What were some things that you found that allow this cycle of hook-up culture to begin? If you’re proposing a solution to the current state of dating, where do you think that we went wrong?
Catherine:
What’s happened is that hook-up culture—which can be anything from casual kissing to actually having sex—has replaced the concept of casual dating. The New York Times tracks the use of this term through the 90’s into the early 2000’s when it came into public consciousness. The mentality began to seep into the shared mindset, creating expectations of low-commitment levels, and sex being treated as something casual. It’s not to say nobody ever dates anymore, but it’s much less common. People can hook-up and get emotional and physical benefits without putting in the hard work of maintaining a relationship—so that’s where it went wrong, when we started having a replacement of the social script.
The social script is never actually written down per se, but it dictates normal expectations of how to behave, and because the hook-up culture is the dominant form of romantic interaction, we’re forgetting how to act and abide by the social script in a dating setting. We’re hoping to restore that social script so that people can once again be on the same page and have healthy expectations when it comes to meeting and interacting in a dating setting.
Conor:
Why do you think it’s important to re-establish that social script? What do you see as the benefits of having dating as the social norm for romantic development?
Catherine:
Dating acknowledges the other person as someone who has feelings, a past and a future; someone who deserves dignity. On the other hand, hooking-up treats people as objects and commodities to get something from. It sets up a trajectory for how we’re treating people in general in society. When we look at marriages, they are a result of how we’ve learned to treat people as we grow into adulthood, which in turn forms the children that will be raised.
Dating can be seen as a small issue, but in fact it’s a cornerstone issue, as it speaks into how our entire society ends up being socialized. The power of learning how to date is really beautiful, because people start putting their phones down and having good conversation. What we’ve found is that having good face-to-face conversation is actually a novel thing for a lot of young people. We had a story of a young man in college who went out for a burger with a girl he liked—he said it was actually one of the best experiences he’d had in a long time. His reaction at having just a good, normal face-to-face interaction like that was almost staggering—because it’s so rare. That’s the novelty of it—we need to start making that common again as it helps us humanize one another and calls us to treat each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Conor:
So in a weird way, through hook-up culture, we’ve almost shot ourselves in the foot, not realizing that we actually need that depth of experience and connection with another person, rather than trying to shortcut it; trying to get the benefits without the actual connection.
Catherine:
That’s exactly the point, Conor, it’s really a misguided way of seeking intimacy. We’re seeking the most intimate form of connection, sex, as the precondition or initiator of a relationship now, rather than the consummation of a fully committed relationship. It’s because people have a desire to really connect, but so often the hook-up ideals actually thwart our ability to make that real connection.
With The Dating Project, we don’t want to have a condemning attitude, we just want to take a step back and recognize these realities, and then question some of our behaviour and find ways to re-establish our ability to connect in real ways.
Conor:
What kind of steps would you offer young people who may be so acquainted with one way of thinking? Especially in the Christian world, where there may be one of two opposite views: way too intense or way too casual?
Catherine:
You’re right, dating has this stigma for some people that just seems way too intense, which might scare people off, like, “Does this mean we’re gonna have to look at rings on the second date!?” Instead, the aim is to create a casual dating culture so that it’s not a big deal, you’re just going out with someone to get to know them.
Dr. Kerry Cronin set out some guidelines for her sociology students as they prepared to go out on a date, keeping it fun and not too serious. Some of these rules included asking face-to-face, limiting the physical interaction to a hug and keeping it under $10. Then, after three of these kinds of dates, Cronin says that you should know whether you want to be exclusive with them. From there, you can go through the natural progression and slow build that allows for a relationship to have a healthy trajectory that fosters commitment. By not putting so much pressure on things, it can allow it to grow in a healthier way.
Conor:
How do make sure to not over-romanticize the era of, say, the 1950’s style of dating?
Catherine:
I love Jane Austen novels, and I can relate to that romanticization of the past, but we need to realize it’s never been easy to find love! Interestingly enough, through my research, I found that the introduction of the car actually ushered in a new era of dating that took the process of courtship from the front porch to the backseat. It went from a family, church-centric thing and became more of a transactional relationship, where a guy would show you a fun night on the town, and then there might be an expectation for physical reciprocation at the end of the night.
Knowing and understanding history definitely shatters the over-romanticization of that era. There’s never been a perfect time to find love, but we need to work within the confines of our era to do it well.
Conor:
How does this movie connect what you see culturally to what you believe spiritually?
Catherine:
It presents the gospel in a way that everyone can understand; it’s calling us to treat one another with greater dignity. One of the highlighted stories follows a 30-year-old outspoken Christian who was led to re-commit to saving herself for marriage. At the end of the movie, she talks about how she realized that she is a true child of God and that she is enough—she doesn’t need to fulfil herself through the perfect career or relationship, but that she finds her worth in the eyes of God. I would say that is the heart of The Dating Project.
Conor:
How would a group or church host a screening or group watching of The Dating Project?
Catherine:
The movie is available at Walmart & Amazon to watch on your own or with a group.
You can find screening opportunities and discussion questions at thedatingprojectmovie.com